here i am, not doing my work. too tired to work, too stubborn to sleep. beside me sleeps a miniature prince. those small beautiful lips, his golden brown curls... so much changing for us these days. i'm back in school at UWM. this round for childcare. shit, soon as i start, paths open up other ways. looking for work. got an interview with Rainbow Bridge - its 1 block away on Weil. waldorf-based. 1 - 5pm afternoons. i thought for sure, and then remembered that i have class til 1.45 tues/thurs. maybe she'll take 2.15 to 5? shoot. otherwise, i'm looking at housecleaning. ad & i are talking about working on it together. we have to work up ideas yet, but could be useful. great to start working with her on a project actually. life goes on and we decide we're sticking together. great. like sister this time. brothers. well, whatever. i tell her today that i'm thinking plans for the space downstairs, that if i don't get to move in there it better be because we had a real big don't ever talk to each other again fight. she says, nope, we can't do that anymore, points to ne'. right, can't do that anymore, and i really don't want to. so, i'm gonna paint the kitchen orange. with yellow trim. like the sun, like that apt in Bayview M & I looked at. that green bedroom.. maybe with brown & tan trim so it feels earthy. use that as my room/family room. front room i'd like to leave open to the daycare at this point since there is only living room and kitchen. unless Ne really needs his own space at that time... a blue room. a red room. really want to make this happen. . so, yeah, maybe step one is Becky's Rainbow. if so, I'll surely make my schedule work for future semesters..
setting up outlook. do i need to do this? do i need to blog? if i keep a paper calendar, do i need an e-calendar? eh, too late to un-waste that time now. it could be useful. its all what you make it. tired now, very tired, but unsure of my situation again, and that's motivating me to stay up. the prospect of having to drop a class, even one i don't really need, means that i'm changing the one the i thought i had scheduled. its kinda big for me. hey, if it works, great, if it doesn't it doesn't. no harm no foul in checking it out. if it doesn't fly, we keep looking. we keep looking. god, i just want something to pull through, to be situated a bit. just and income and something fun to do. yeah, i know i don't have experience other than being a mom, but i'm doing a good job of that mostly, and i just need more time to get better, more time with him, with others, more practice. still often wondering if childcare is what i really want to do, and who can say. i do know that its a reasonable way to be able to stay home with my kid(s) and make a living - to not be on W2 myself, even if they are paying me - for other people. god knows i'm not perfect, but i think i'd be a great caregiver. certainly, i'm not gonna sit and watch tv all day. i pay attention, i play, i music, i talk and interact. i want to do field trips and experiments and gardening and useful things. i want to live and grow and help others do the same. to build community, to grow within one, to watch my children grow within a community and, if i'm lucky and have done my job right, watch my grandchildren grow within the same community, to restart a bit of the tribalism written into my genetic code. share food, share house, share bed, share space and thought and time, share life and love, share HOME. these are the things i want. i want to share. i want to be with and within. i want to find a place for me, a place where people are like me and not, where people compare and contrast me, where those differences are used to create community, to build knowledge, to build buildings and beehives.. I want to live in that damn house adrienne. i know why i had to give it up this round, for mira. i love that little sister. but please, can i move in next, settle us down a little bit, be a place, a home. still crazy after all these years, but at least with some roots..
I'm not sure if becky's is gonna be the right place, but i should at least go and talk to her, meet her and see what she does. . i'm considering moving rene' out of barb's either way. its a long ways to travel for me. the bus travels up and down locust - 7 blocks from home both ways and it takes me an hour or more to get there. not smart. so either way, over the next bit here i'm gonna look for a new spot for him. maybe at becky's or lifeways or just somewhere up here. shit, i feel bad for that. making such big changes. taking him from the people he knows.
such a feeling of guilt i have. why? for what? I don't want to disappoint? don't want to upset anyone? its just really hard for me. feel guilty about making decisions in my own self-interest. even making a decision to look for a new sitter means a proactive decision for my own self-interest. who knows whether it would be good for ne or not. certainly, i don't want to make a bad choice for him just to satisfy me, but... its worth looking. ok. its worth looking into. can i get Ne and I into becky's house? do we like it there? does her style and schedule work for us? and also time to meet other parents, do playgroups, etc. we really need stuff like that. baby french classes? ... need to take some time to think: what is in Rene''s best interest? mom being with him even if she's working, or being in daycare? learning that people work and how at such a young age or playing all the time only? and then, maybe in my search, i'll find a daycare i like better for now, that he'd get more music and openness, and would develop new bonds.. shise.