ok, so maybe its that i don't like to be stopped from what i'm doing, told i'm wrong. I'd rather you treated me like a valid person who can figure things out for myself. i am not 14 months old like my son. and even that, i'd prefer you treat him like a valid and capable person who can learn for himself what is good to do or not to do. its a drum. its matt's drum. it doesn't even sound good right now because its soo loose. being as it needs to be tightened anyway, what's the harm in exploring what its capable of? the drum is replacable. and at the very least, the head is replacable with cowhide that would sound significantly better. try to tell me its because of the way you were taught that a drum had to be played a specific way and all i can think is "get outside your fucking box." there is more than one way to play a piano, more than one way to play a gui-tar, more than one way to playing a dying djembe.
we learned about montessori in class the other day. while i appreciate that it feels that all children are capable, that they can help each other with little adult intervention, i really do not like that one cannot explore a task/toy until one has been "given a lesson". fuck lessons. 90% of my musical learning has been done alone, on my own, with very little help from instructors. granted, i don't know a heck of a lot about how to read and write music, but that really doesn't bother me. i can play. i can play a lot of instruments. should i not have experimented with turning the slide whistle into a multi-noted flute, a woodwind trombone simply because most people have only ever been taught to use it to make sound effects for cartoons? no, i don't think so. and it would not have been a big deal if you'd just let me finish out what i was doing. more than likely i would have tired of that silly old drum in a moment anyway and gone on my way. there are no sharp points on a perfectly round globe. there is nothing to cut the very strong fibers of the synthetic head with. . . my house may be a little chaotic, a little unconventional, but i very rarely break things. very very rarely. can't recall the last time i broke a dish. the last time i really remember something breaking so as to be unusable in my house was when ne cut his hand on the pyrex bowl. . . and maybe my real issue here is in the attachment. the unwillingness for a thing to be used in such a way that might use it up. particularly in contrast with the kind of art that she makes that most often requires the destruction of something(s) else. i feel like i am not trusted. no faith in my ability to recognize danger. i might have been high, but i wasn't out of my element. i wasn't falling down drunk. and i don't understand a person who breaks everybody else's rules interfering so much in other people's business. . . the only thing i can do is resolve not to use her drums. because i am unconventional. because i will try things. because if the recorder squeaks to high hell, i don't care because i'm learning about it. because i'm willing to replace whatever i break. i am responsible for my own actions, and for those of my child, and i don't wield that responsibility irrationally. . . how irrational to ask a person who is perfectly content in the moment "what's wrong?" as mira did. nothing, everything is just right. but then at least she came down and looked me in the eye to see it, to be in it with me. everything is just fine. i work/have worked really hard to get myself to that sense of peace, of orientation in space, and i should be trusted to take care of myself or to ask for what's missing. . . and i don't like fucking pda's. i don't need to see you necking with your girlfriend. and i don't like my child seeing that. sexual relationships are not something i feel he needs to be exposed to at this time because i have no way of helping him to explain them to himself. you wouldn't show an R rated movie to a child this age either. . . i also don't like that people feel the need to use pda to establish who's with whom. we all know ad & emily are together. we all know jame/amy are together. . . and is that biased because i nurse my son in public. is that a pda? human biological need. other cultures don't show sexual affection in public. my family did not show sexual affection in public. a couple sitting together was not uncommon. a kiss in passing, not uncommon. necking around the card table, that was not done. it seems to me like a lack of maturity, that you can't spend a couple hours in the company of your current mate without reminding each other of your sex, without foreplay.
what else? i really didn't like that she didn't respect rene enough, as a person, to allow him to play with certain instruments. she would decide she wanted it and just go take it from him. he was banging on something. she walked up, buddy i want that drum. he was oblivious. thought aloud whether she should just take it. i said, if you want to deal with him screaming you and go ahead and take it. 'taking candy from a baby' is not an easy thing to do afterall. . .
but she's like that about a lot of things. its ok for her, but not for you. she can fuck tanya in the backseat of the car i'm driving, but i can't fuck billy in another room. um, she can cheat on whomever, but they can't even think about someone else. and its not about "i'm not that sure that i'm cool". get over it, chick. golden rule. treat others as you want to be treated. if you want your toys taken away, if you want friends to put limitations on you, by all means, put limitations on them.
