watching the slideshow on erin & alan's computer. god i want to go camping!! frigging march snowy yeaugh. put my money away for michigan though. $1500 in the savings for michigan and whatever else i might need. but god we really gotta go. finally ready. but i really want to go camping otherwise. just right now, want to be in the woods. i miss the woods. its been so cold or snowy or just not the right time to be woods walking. plus i don't really have the right boots. i think i'm gonna invest in some LLBean duck boots for next winter so we can go hiking through the snow and not worry about how wet the feet will get when the leather boots are saturated...

why i'm here blogging today:
its been one of those mornings where you think about whether what you've chosen to do is really gonna work. no, i don't mean that. i do want to do this, but gosh whiny on top of whiny on top of whiny... is enough to drive a person crazy.

so, i was in Mia Putia this weekend. twice. Friday i bought diapers from Zebedee. he had the bum genius 1.0 on sale buy 3 get 1. ok, i'll spend the money to try the pocket diapers since everybody raves about them. and yeah, i like 'em. i worry that they stay a little too dry, but i don't worry too much about that i guess. potty learning really should be about the child sensing his need to pee, rather than his diaper being wet after. poop came out pretty well, though it was not a particularly runny poop, the one we had, so we'll see. but they're nice. . . so then i went back on sunday to buy laundry soap cuz he sells refills of oxy-prime, which is all-natural, un-scented, and cleans diapers and clothes up really well. so while he's refilling, i check out the slings he's got for sale. the New Native. yuch. i don't like that. although, who was it that thought they wanted to try one? Chandi? maybe. i should ask her. i could certainly try making one. i just don't like the unadjustability of it. and now they're mass produced, so it only comes in 5 colors. and he had a ring sling. i pulled it down. crap. it just wasn't really anything special. and selling for $35 - $50. i don't think so. i mean, the ones i've made, total cost of the most expensive one was $27 - that's Ian's actually, because i really loved the fabric enough to spend $7/yd. i just check slingrings.com and i can get a quantity discount for rings. so anyway, high end spend $27 on materials and get it made in 1 1/2 - 2 hrs. sell it for $50. yeah, that works for me. so, i talked with zebedee about the slings. where did he get them, etc. he said he's working with a woman in california, but would be interested in a local supplier. i say, i've only made a few and given them away, but mine are way better than what he's got. he says come talk to him after he gets back from his business trip and we'll work something out. i'm not sure what cut he'd take from the price, but hey, who can complain about this. i've had a lot of people again telling me, "you should sell those". i had talked about it last summer, but didn't really get anywhere with it. now, i think it would be worthwhile. a good way to spend my summer at least. . . so high from talking with zebedee, i went to the co-op for breakfast. ecstaticly told jay about my talk with zebedee, then went to place our order. a woman from my geology class. i recognized her because she's the little pregnant one. kim. with her son (4 maybe) noel, and partner chris. kim says she likes my sling. when i say i made it, she asks if i sell them. as a matter of fact, i just struck a deal. check back in a couple weeks...

and then they both wake up. ne wants to nurse everytime ian is anywhere near my breasts, if only to claim they're his. ian just cries. i'm more responsive to feeding him, but god he just cries. maybe he wanted his diaper changed before he went to sleep but fussy baby on a changing table with equally fussy toddler on the ground, and mommy who wants to cry in frustration doesn't sound like a good combination. ian, i'm not gonna hold and shake you all day. you gotta learn to self-soothe. i wonder what tribal people would do with such a child. but then i think, they wouldn't have one. they wouldn't have babies who come into the world distrusting even their own mother. babies and moms who did not make it through labor and delivery together would not survive. one of them would not survive. this is natural order. as much as is not vaccinating. i love love love my child, but i have to say, if he has to suffer some dread disease as a consequence of natural order, i have to be ok with that, as much as i am ok with myself suffering for natural order. that is my belief. i can do my best to keep him healthy, but if Nature wants him for sacrifice, who am i to stand in Her way?

just how exactly does one know if she is suited for childcare? i guess i have in mind times with older kids - ones who are able to speak and ask for what they want/need instead of screaming. screaming. screaming as this one does. and then screaming, ne is encouraged to whine and to cry for what he wants, which is often in conflict with the baby's needs. i don't remember rene at 9 weeks old. i want to think he didn't just scream all the time. in fact, he was already at daycare, and i'm sure he didn't just cry all day. i don't know how to handle this child who just cries. tired, he cries. hungry, he cries. diaper, he cries. rene bashed him, he cries. they're not different cries. they really are not. its the same "the world is against me" pitiful cry. the kind that makes me want to say, sorry, too bad, guess you'll just die then. but you can't say that to a baby.